pondering

Been having a hard time these last few days, with the ending of school. it is just so final this time.

D doesn't really *get* why this is so hard for me. In the last 9 years, he has been working on several different projects, has gotten 2 degrees, been published in world renowned journals, and has made his name and reputation as a scientist known all over the world. In the Scientific community he is known, and respected, throughout the world. He is outgoing, and can easily talk to people.

Me-- it is totally different. I have worked 9 solid years on one place. I am shy, and hard to pull out of my shell. School is the one place I could do that. I worked, and sometimes breathed education. I go almost anywhere in this town, and someone stops me. Random kids and teens run up to hug me, adults stop me in the restroom to tell me I taught their kid 5 + years ago, I am invited to high school graduations. Here I am important. Once I leave this world, I fear I will become nothing again. That reputation, does not follow me, like D's does. I have to rebuild all that I have worked for in the last 9 years. In the last 9 years I have had the best best people to work with, to help me grow into the person I am. Now, I am leaving all of that. I have to rebuild everything. It is easy being myself here, but the fact remains, that I am a little different than the traditional teacher. I just don't know how I am going to do it.

I love seeing my "kids", I invested so much time, love, and energy, in so many of them. I am just so sad I guess. I don't know if sad is the right word. Sad, trepidatious, anxious- I am making a leap of faith, and just praying this is what was meant to be. I just wish D- could really understand what leaving this job means to me, why I feel like it is killing a part of me on the inside.