too many thoughts

Do you ever feel totally alone, even while surrounded by people? That has been me lately. I have people around, friends even, yet sometimes I feel so trapped in my own head that I am utterly alone. It is hard to express exactly what I mean... but somedays I feel so lonely, though I am surrounded by people.

Life isn't exciting out here. I go to work, pick up J, read, watch tv, play games... but i feel so disconnected. Some of it I am sure is my frustration with being a mother... of having a child who just doesn't grow, and always wondering and worrying about what his future holds. Do other moms feel like this.... is it constant because of his health issues, or is it part of being a mother, the constant worry.

I want nothing in this world more than having my family happy and healthy, and right now, it doesn't seem like either is happening. We are becoming ships that pass in the night... Go from handing off daily responsibilities to each other, each collapsing of exhaustion at the end of the day.

well, anyway... we did get some tests results back.. from teh GI, we learned that J does indeed have some reflux issues, and there is some damage, but not really enough to explain all of our problems. We are going to try reflux meds for a month and see if they make any difference at all. If not, in a month we are going to try appitite stimunants... then go back to the idea of tube feeding if those thigns fail...

from the Endo-- one major test is still out-- the geneticlly linked disorder she wanted to look for. It apparently can take 4 weeks for it to come back. As for the others, nothing too unusal popped up. The IGE was still off, which has been for at least the last year... but as they keep telling me, by itself it means nothing other than there could be a growth problem... (hummm do you think that isn't obvious)... the other was his bone age scan... this basically gives an idea of the maturity of his bones. So his bone age is only 2 years old, whereas he will be 4 in less than a month. This really only tells us 2 things. 1. he is not growing at a normal rate (haha, really) 2. that since his bones are not maturing either, it is probably he will grow for longer than the average male. The one thing stands out is that with the low bone age, it indicates that the growth problem is not nutritionally related. No he doesn't eat.. and that has to be fixed, but it does not appear to be the main reason for his lack of growth...

but basically, we are still nowhere. None of this tells us anything.